ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
