my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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