Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
