my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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