see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
