I think I won the penis lottery.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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