I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
