just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
