I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
