I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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