Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
