did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
