man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
