If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize