sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize