Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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