WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
