I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
