So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
