my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize