I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
