my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
