dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
