how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
