I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
