Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
