She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
