phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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