I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
