nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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