My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
