Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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