I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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