Soap is not a condiment
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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