I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
