y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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