I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
