Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
