You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
