You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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