Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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