im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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