No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
