Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
