i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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