getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
