are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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