you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize