I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
