make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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