At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
