Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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