Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
