Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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