Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
