I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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