she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
