I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
