Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
